Wednesday, May 10, 2006
The spring is upon us - Here come the ghetto weddings
Why is it that my people think of some of the darndest (yes I said it) themes for their weddings? Like the Pimps up Hoes down one. Or the Bloods or the Crips theme? What about the "I'm in love with a stripper one?"
I have to tell you the story of the most ghetto wedding I've ever attended. I will let the bride, groom and location remain nameless, but they know who they are. It was probably the hottest day in June ever recorded in history so I wasn't pleased that my cousin was making me go to this outdoor wedding. As we trekked through the city into the hood I begin to wonder exactly where "outdoors" this wedding would be held. When she pulled up onto the grass (like everyone else had parked) and turned the car off, I looked at her liked she'd grown 3 noses. "What the hell are we doing here?" I protested. She informed me that this was her fiance's cousins bestfriends little sisters wedding and he would kill her if she didn't show.
I was pissed as I instructed Gary and Mookie (my sons) to stay close at all times. We went over the whole, if you don't know their name they're a stranger and the drill on what to do if we hear gunshots thing and I felt we were ready. Boy was I wrong!
As we made our way through the groups of gansta's hanging out in front of the lot that would serve as the wedding location, I kept a smile on my face and held my sons hands tightly. My cousin spoke to "Little Ray-Ray" "Pookie" and "Trigger Finger" and kept it moving. I was on her heels so she kept turning around telling me to slow down. "Hell no," I told her. "There's safety in numbers." Finally we reached the "chapel area" that consisted of 3 fold out tents from Walmart and an arch from someone's garden.
Children were running all over the place. All the "Big Mama's" and "Ma'dear's" were safely tucked away in the tents but were sweating like runaway slaves. One had sent for a stack of the paper plates that were set up at the buffet table to use for fans. Shaniqua the big-booty Hostess showed us to 2 folded chairs and told us to set them where we wanted to and we were welcome to get something to drink. She motioned over to the baby pool filled with ice, soda and a few Colt 45's sprinkled in. I was outdone. But on a side note - why is it that my children have the best times at places like this? Out the door went the rules, they were gone like a flash, running around with the rest of the Be-Be kids. It didn't make since for me to yell because someone had turned on Lil' Jon in their F-150 with spinning wheels, to the highest volume possible.
As we tried to find a place out of the blazing sun to set our chairs I asked my cousin who had been trying to avoid me at all cost, what time was this damn thing supposed to start? She said 3 o'clock. I checked my watch it was 5:15. This was insane. Finally Shaniqua yelled at Ray Ray and told him to turn the music off because it was about to start. It was then that I was able to make eye contact with my oldest son and give him the look that said, "If you don't get your wild behind right here, right now I know something." He gathered his brother and they came to sit on our laps.
Shaniqua pulled a plastic runner from the sidewalk to the arch and switched her big behind back over to where Pookie was standing with his Colt 45. She started the Cd player that would obviously serve as the music for the ceremony. I was surprised to hear R. Kelly's "Step in the name of love" pour out of the speakers. That's when the bridal party came from behind the neighbors semi-truck that was parked on the street, ballrooming up the plastic runner to their spaces. I had to admit it was coordinated pretty well. But the most amazing thing was the Louie (not Louis) Vuitton print on the mini-dresses that the bridemaids wore. I was floored as they all wore different colors from lemon yellow to fuschia pink. They even had the coordinating platform stiletto stripper shoes. But then the groomsmen topped of their coordinating Dickie work outfits (no tuxedos for these gangstas) with matching Louie (not Louis) Vuitton baseball caps! I was outdone. The groom chose a white tuxedo completely covered in the multi-colored Louie (not Louis) Vuitton print coupled with his matching baseball cap. By now my jaw is slack and I'm showing signs of a oncoming stroke. Not sure if it was from shock or the damn sun beaming on my head!
Ok so I assume all of her nieces had to be in the wedding. So after 14 flower girls stroll down the aisle, one having to be picked up because she just didn't quite understand her job description. Two more were scolded by Ma'dear for booty dancing down the runner. Finally the grand finale - the bride.
She must have forgotten to change from work the night before because her "move something" bridal gown was missing a few necessary pieces to complete the garment. I covered my son's eyes as she did the A-town stomp down the aisle. It was A & T's all over the place. Finally they exchanged vows and the bridal party left the ceremony doing the Lean wit it, Rock wit it. My cousin refused to even look at me because she knew I was just too through with her!! Aint' love grande though? Even if it's in a ghetto/countrified setting.
What's the most country or ghetto thing you've ever seen or experienced?
www.ericanmartin.com
www.2ndtimeonline.net
I have to tell you the story of the most ghetto wedding I've ever attended. I will let the bride, groom and location remain nameless, but they know who they are. It was probably the hottest day in June ever recorded in history so I wasn't pleased that my cousin was making me go to this outdoor wedding. As we trekked through the city into the hood I begin to wonder exactly where "outdoors" this wedding would be held. When she pulled up onto the grass (like everyone else had parked) and turned the car off, I looked at her liked she'd grown 3 noses. "What the hell are we doing here?" I protested. She informed me that this was her fiance's cousins bestfriends little sisters wedding and he would kill her if she didn't show.
I was pissed as I instructed Gary and Mookie (my sons) to stay close at all times. We went over the whole, if you don't know their name they're a stranger and the drill on what to do if we hear gunshots thing and I felt we were ready. Boy was I wrong!
As we made our way through the groups of gansta's hanging out in front of the lot that would serve as the wedding location, I kept a smile on my face and held my sons hands tightly. My cousin spoke to "Little Ray-Ray" "Pookie" and "Trigger Finger" and kept it moving. I was on her heels so she kept turning around telling me to slow down. "Hell no," I told her. "There's safety in numbers." Finally we reached the "chapel area" that consisted of 3 fold out tents from Walmart and an arch from someone's garden.
Children were running all over the place. All the "Big Mama's" and "Ma'dear's" were safely tucked away in the tents but were sweating like runaway slaves. One had sent for a stack of the paper plates that were set up at the buffet table to use for fans. Shaniqua the big-booty Hostess showed us to 2 folded chairs and told us to set them where we wanted to and we were welcome to get something to drink. She motioned over to the baby pool filled with ice, soda and a few Colt 45's sprinkled in. I was outdone. But on a side note - why is it that my children have the best times at places like this? Out the door went the rules, they were gone like a flash, running around with the rest of the Be-Be kids. It didn't make since for me to yell because someone had turned on Lil' Jon in their F-150 with spinning wheels, to the highest volume possible.
As we tried to find a place out of the blazing sun to set our chairs I asked my cousin who had been trying to avoid me at all cost, what time was this damn thing supposed to start? She said 3 o'clock. I checked my watch it was 5:15. This was insane. Finally Shaniqua yelled at Ray Ray and told him to turn the music off because it was about to start. It was then that I was able to make eye contact with my oldest son and give him the look that said, "If you don't get your wild behind right here, right now I know something." He gathered his brother and they came to sit on our laps.
Shaniqua pulled a plastic runner from the sidewalk to the arch and switched her big behind back over to where Pookie was standing with his Colt 45. She started the Cd player that would obviously serve as the music for the ceremony. I was surprised to hear R. Kelly's "Step in the name of love" pour out of the speakers. That's when the bridal party came from behind the neighbors semi-truck that was parked on the street, ballrooming up the plastic runner to their spaces. I had to admit it was coordinated pretty well. But the most amazing thing was the Louie (not Louis) Vuitton print on the mini-dresses that the bridemaids wore. I was floored as they all wore different colors from lemon yellow to fuschia pink. They even had the coordinating platform stiletto stripper shoes. But then the groomsmen topped of their coordinating Dickie work outfits (no tuxedos for these gangstas) with matching Louie (not Louis) Vuitton baseball caps! I was outdone. The groom chose a white tuxedo completely covered in the multi-colored Louie (not Louis) Vuitton print coupled with his matching baseball cap. By now my jaw is slack and I'm showing signs of a oncoming stroke. Not sure if it was from shock or the damn sun beaming on my head!
Ok so I assume all of her nieces had to be in the wedding. So after 14 flower girls stroll down the aisle, one having to be picked up because she just didn't quite understand her job description. Two more were scolded by Ma'dear for booty dancing down the runner. Finally the grand finale - the bride.
She must have forgotten to change from work the night before because her "move something" bridal gown was missing a few necessary pieces to complete the garment. I covered my son's eyes as she did the A-town stomp down the aisle. It was A & T's all over the place. Finally they exchanged vows and the bridal party left the ceremony doing the Lean wit it, Rock wit it. My cousin refused to even look at me because she knew I was just too through with her!! Aint' love grande though? Even if it's in a ghetto/countrified setting.
What's the most country or ghetto thing you've ever seen or experienced?
www.ericanmartin.com
www.2ndtimeonline.net
# posted by Erica N. Martin @ 12:35 PM 
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that was hilarious.
I stopped going to ghetto weddings when they served white castles at the reception in the basement of a small azz house. the wedding had been in a vacant lot next to the house and to clean up the trash, instead of gifts, the neighbors brought over their courville garbage containers because you know the city won't pick up anything unless its in there.
i was too through when the 250 pound bride wore this dress so short if she bent over she'd be helloing everyone and then the groom wore his favorite teams outfit by Nike and some bootleg Jordans.
I also like the fact that there were lookouts while the ceremony was going for drive bys and cocktails, plus the cops too because half of the wedding party had warrants on them. Ya gotta love Detroit.
At the reception, his cousin was selling botleg cd's and my son cracked me up and asked were those movies of the wedding. I wouldn't be surprised, but since he was having a halfoff sale, i picked up some japanese copies that my son enjoys to watch and left.
That was my last ghetto wedding. if they don't send me an invitation through the mail and say they'll be having it in a church or hall, i don't go.
I stopped going to ghetto weddings when they served white castles at the reception in the basement of a small azz house. the wedding had been in a vacant lot next to the house and to clean up the trash, instead of gifts, the neighbors brought over their courville garbage containers because you know the city won't pick up anything unless its in there.
i was too through when the 250 pound bride wore this dress so short if she bent over she'd be helloing everyone and then the groom wore his favorite teams outfit by Nike and some bootleg Jordans.
I also like the fact that there were lookouts while the ceremony was going for drive bys and cocktails, plus the cops too because half of the wedding party had warrants on them. Ya gotta love Detroit.
At the reception, his cousin was selling botleg cd's and my son cracked me up and asked were those movies of the wedding. I wouldn't be surprised, but since he was having a halfoff sale, i picked up some japanese copies that my son enjoys to watch and left.
That was my last ghetto wedding. if they don't send me an invitation through the mail and say they'll be having it in a church or hall, i don't go.
Well, I might be one of the few who has never gone to a ghetto wedding...I've heard stories from others, but thus far have not had the experience.
Ha!Ha!Libby that was hilarious. the footnote - ohmigod!Sylvia the lookouts and the guy selling the bootleg movies. That is too funny. I love my people!!
Well, I think the dancing down the aisle thing that people are doing lately is ghetto as heck. I mean, here we are in a solemn religious ceremony and the chick as booty booping and doggone near dropping it like its hot!
I know at the rehearsal for my brother's wedding, he almost had a stroke when the women started dancing down the aisle. He stopped them immediately and said, "Uh, uh. not in my wedding." My sister-in-law was pissed, but these chicks were SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ready to break it down and get ghetto, I don't know what would have happened at the service. And yeah, the service was supposed to start at 3. The bride didn't arrive until 3:30 NOT DRESSED. My niece needed a bath before being dressed. Needless to say, we didn't get the show on the road until around 5. My brother was STEAMING by that time and I'd had one TOO many words with the pseudowedding coordinator. I was one frayed thread from snapping. I didn't care that we WERE up in the hood of St. Louis, my Mississippi tail was gonna have all of us front page the next day. Probably would have made JET magazine to.
Ghetto and wedding should NEVER go together!
I know at the rehearsal for my brother's wedding, he almost had a stroke when the women started dancing down the aisle. He stopped them immediately and said, "Uh, uh. not in my wedding." My sister-in-law was pissed, but these chicks were SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ready to break it down and get ghetto, I don't know what would have happened at the service. And yeah, the service was supposed to start at 3. The bride didn't arrive until 3:30 NOT DRESSED. My niece needed a bath before being dressed. Needless to say, we didn't get the show on the road until around 5. My brother was STEAMING by that time and I'd had one TOO many words with the pseudowedding coordinator. I was one frayed thread from snapping. I didn't care that we WERE up in the hood of St. Louis, my Mississippi tail was gonna have all of us front page the next day. Probably would have made JET magazine to.
Ghetto and wedding should NEVER go together!
Sydney, I could soooo see you tearing the place down!! You guys don't mistaken the sweet face on Sydney!I'd be flipping through the Jet and see my girls mugshot, like "what the??" The headline would read "Best selling author Sydney Molare showed her Mississippi behind in the Lou!!" You guys crack me up!!
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