Monday, June 19, 2006
Exercising Author Etiquette
I know I'm a little late, but I was just thinking about how there should be some ancient scroll that states certain rules and regulations that need to followed by authors. With that said, I've come up with a few things that I think may be helpful.
1. First and foremost, at multi-author booksignings DON'T come over to another authors table and remind a potential customer to stop at your table because you wrote such and such! They will eventually make their rounds to you, besides this might get the left side of your face slapped by that other author.
2. DON'T stand there with a frown on your face and your arms crossed and then wonder why ain't nobody stopping at your table.
3. AT NO POINT EVER IS IT OK TO CHEW GUM! Get a mint or have your bottled water handy in case your mouth gets dry.
3(a) And if you're behind me and you're popping your gum, please expect "The Look" and don't be surprised if I walk up to you with a trash can. I ain't gon' say a word just hold the trash can up - you'll know exactly what I'm trying to say from the look.
4. DON'T think that every event is going to be the event that you sell out all your inventory. Sometimes you don't sell one book but you network and meet other people that can help you in another way. Don't stalk off with your 300 books, with an attitude talking about "I ain't never doing this again. I didn't even make my table fee."
5. DON'T attend another author's workshop and set up shop with your books, on the same subject and while the workshop is going on you are passing out your literature distracting everyone from their real purpose for being there. Damn! If you're so damn smart and the "real" expert - do your own damn workshop. Don't piggy back on theirs!!
I'm getting heated so I'm gonna close here! Please feel free to add your tips because this is insane. I'm trying to be good these days, you know, cleaning up my karma and all. Help a sistah out ya'll!
www.ericanmartin.com
www.2ndtimeonline.net
1. First and foremost, at multi-author booksignings DON'T come over to another authors table and remind a potential customer to stop at your table because you wrote such and such! They will eventually make their rounds to you, besides this might get the left side of your face slapped by that other author.
2. DON'T stand there with a frown on your face and your arms crossed and then wonder why ain't nobody stopping at your table.
3. AT NO POINT EVER IS IT OK TO CHEW GUM! Get a mint or have your bottled water handy in case your mouth gets dry.
3(a) And if you're behind me and you're popping your gum, please expect "The Look" and don't be surprised if I walk up to you with a trash can. I ain't gon' say a word just hold the trash can up - you'll know exactly what I'm trying to say from the look.
4. DON'T think that every event is going to be the event that you sell out all your inventory. Sometimes you don't sell one book but you network and meet other people that can help you in another way. Don't stalk off with your 300 books, with an attitude talking about "I ain't never doing this again. I didn't even make my table fee."
5. DON'T attend another author's workshop and set up shop with your books, on the same subject and while the workshop is going on you are passing out your literature distracting everyone from their real purpose for being there. Damn! If you're so damn smart and the "real" expert - do your own damn workshop. Don't piggy back on theirs!!
I'm getting heated so I'm gonna close here! Please feel free to add your tips because this is insane. I'm trying to be good these days, you know, cleaning up my karma and all. Help a sistah out ya'll!
www.ericanmartin.com
www.2ndtimeonline.net
Friday, June 09, 2006
My neighbors are giving me a bad rep.
So I was just thinking, why do my neighbors make me look so bad? I'm really a nice person.
There's an older lady 3 doors down from me who is pretty much...Evil. She's gotten to the age where she is miserable on a good day and any other day she's wishing for a quick and painless death. Her lawn is that lawn that your mother forbade you to ever step on because the owner would shoot you. So of course my ball tossing little men have ventured into her lawn on a few occasions to retrieve a ball or FIVE. Or my baby is just getting used to the "no training wheels" thing so he may make exceptionally wide turns causing his wheel to graze the edging of her lawn. But anyway, so a few weeks ago when my oldest tip-toed into her lawn to grab his football, she yelled out the door that, "He better get off her Mutha F'ing grass and if she caught him on it again she would strangle him." Yes, my mouth was hanging open too! So I took the high road and ignored that one, explaining to my child that sometimes adults don't know any better and this was probably one of those times for her and for him to just move down the street a little so we don't have to deal with her.
Well a few days later, here comes my baby justa biking it! He's geeked now. Even trying to ride with one hand now. So he gets a little too geeked and ends up falling - on her lawn! This bat comes out with a broom (yes) and tells him that he better get the !#@$ off her lawn and take his dumb a$$ down the street and don't come back down there. Don't even walk on the sidewalk in front of her house!" Aww hell naw ya'll! Now she got me messed up for real! I tried the high road but it was closed so I walked my a$$ down the street and walked straight across the lawn and knocked on her door. I'd never seen her before and was shocked to see that she was about 90 - so the initial plan to go down there and kick her face in kinda went out the door. But I did tell her that she shouldn't be talking to my children the way that she has and that I don't want any problems with her but the next time she threatens my children we will have one, a serious one. Why did this old bitty tell me "Well keep em' down the street then!" Plan A almost came back in to play but I maintained my cool realizing that anyone walking down the street right now wouldn't know who the fool was. I told her she was ignorant and miserable and she better remember what I said. My boys are looking like "Dang ma, you told her."
So then one day I'm outside picking the paper out of my yard and this big dude from across the street comes walking over to me with a little girl crying. He has the, "I'm mad than a MF and somebody better give me some answers look," on his face. I instinctively look around for my boys, Mookie is on the porch playing the PSP and Gary and my cousin are coming from the store. Then I look him over again to see exactly what I'm going to have to pick up to beat him with because he outweighs me by about 100 pounds and has me by about 7 inches. After I peep out all my options, I turn to the guy and ask him can I help him? He ask me is Gary my son, I nod yes. He proceeds to tell me that my son who is about 6 years older than the little girl punched her in the eye. I know right away that this has to be untrue because my son isn't like that and would never hit a girl. So I tell him right off that I don't think that's true and he cuts me off asking me why his baby girl gotta lie? So again I look around and spot the steel rake and then answer him that I don't know but we'll ask my son what happened. Well it turns out that she has a crush on Gary and when they were walking past her house she was trying to hit him and she tripped over a raised piece of sidewalk and Gary and my cousin laughed at her and kept walking. When he asked her was that true, she stuttered and then admitted that it was. The big dude apologized and whupped her butt back across the street. My son was like "Dang ma, you wasn't even scared of that big ol' man." Not knowing that I was shaking like Don Knotts in the inside but men are like dogs (no for real) if you show them that you are intimidated then it's on.
So my niece comes over and they're outside and I hear her telling another little girl, "I ain't scared of that girl. You know my auntie, don't play that stuff. She will fight a kid."
When my son's teacher made the mistake of forcefully moving him from one chair to another and in the process scratched him, he came home and asked me, "Are you going to kick her A?" (His exact words.)
Why do I have the bad rep of the ghetto mama and auntie who will fight an old lady and a kid if I have to?? I'm just protecting my seeds. But I will kick a kindergarteners ass...
I know I'm crazy but when was your most "Ghetto Mama or Daddy" moment?
www.ericanmartin.com
www.2ndtimeonline.net
There's an older lady 3 doors down from me who is pretty much...Evil. She's gotten to the age where she is miserable on a good day and any other day she's wishing for a quick and painless death. Her lawn is that lawn that your mother forbade you to ever step on because the owner would shoot you. So of course my ball tossing little men have ventured into her lawn on a few occasions to retrieve a ball or FIVE. Or my baby is just getting used to the "no training wheels" thing so he may make exceptionally wide turns causing his wheel to graze the edging of her lawn. But anyway, so a few weeks ago when my oldest tip-toed into her lawn to grab his football, she yelled out the door that, "He better get off her Mutha F'ing grass and if she caught him on it again she would strangle him." Yes, my mouth was hanging open too! So I took the high road and ignored that one, explaining to my child that sometimes adults don't know any better and this was probably one of those times for her and for him to just move down the street a little so we don't have to deal with her.
Well a few days later, here comes my baby justa biking it! He's geeked now. Even trying to ride with one hand now. So he gets a little too geeked and ends up falling - on her lawn! This bat comes out with a broom (yes) and tells him that he better get the !#@$ off her lawn and take his dumb a$$ down the street and don't come back down there. Don't even walk on the sidewalk in front of her house!" Aww hell naw ya'll! Now she got me messed up for real! I tried the high road but it was closed so I walked my a$$ down the street and walked straight across the lawn and knocked on her door. I'd never seen her before and was shocked to see that she was about 90 - so the initial plan to go down there and kick her face in kinda went out the door. But I did tell her that she shouldn't be talking to my children the way that she has and that I don't want any problems with her but the next time she threatens my children we will have one, a serious one. Why did this old bitty tell me "Well keep em' down the street then!" Plan A almost came back in to play but I maintained my cool realizing that anyone walking down the street right now wouldn't know who the fool was. I told her she was ignorant and miserable and she better remember what I said. My boys are looking like "Dang ma, you told her."
So then one day I'm outside picking the paper out of my yard and this big dude from across the street comes walking over to me with a little girl crying. He has the, "I'm mad than a MF and somebody better give me some answers look," on his face. I instinctively look around for my boys, Mookie is on the porch playing the PSP and Gary and my cousin are coming from the store. Then I look him over again to see exactly what I'm going to have to pick up to beat him with because he outweighs me by about 100 pounds and has me by about 7 inches. After I peep out all my options, I turn to the guy and ask him can I help him? He ask me is Gary my son, I nod yes. He proceeds to tell me that my son who is about 6 years older than the little girl punched her in the eye. I know right away that this has to be untrue because my son isn't like that and would never hit a girl. So I tell him right off that I don't think that's true and he cuts me off asking me why his baby girl gotta lie? So again I look around and spot the steel rake and then answer him that I don't know but we'll ask my son what happened. Well it turns out that she has a crush on Gary and when they were walking past her house she was trying to hit him and she tripped over a raised piece of sidewalk and Gary and my cousin laughed at her and kept walking. When he asked her was that true, she stuttered and then admitted that it was. The big dude apologized and whupped her butt back across the street. My son was like "Dang ma, you wasn't even scared of that big ol' man." Not knowing that I was shaking like Don Knotts in the inside but men are like dogs (no for real) if you show them that you are intimidated then it's on.
So my niece comes over and they're outside and I hear her telling another little girl, "I ain't scared of that girl. You know my auntie, don't play that stuff. She will fight a kid."
When my son's teacher made the mistake of forcefully moving him from one chair to another and in the process scratched him, he came home and asked me, "Are you going to kick her A?" (His exact words.)
Why do I have the bad rep of the ghetto mama and auntie who will fight an old lady and a kid if I have to?? I'm just protecting my seeds. But I will kick a kindergarteners ass...
I know I'm crazy but when was your most "Ghetto Mama or Daddy" moment?
www.ericanmartin.com
www.2ndtimeonline.net
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Now I gotta deal with the okey-doke!!
So I was just thinking, about these skank’s out here making it bad for the respectable sistahs!
Picture this: She walks into the club with her low rise J-Lo jeans on (that are not really made for sistah’s with ample bottoms, but that’s another story) with her thong showing. She parades around the room, making even the most respectful gentleman turn his head. She’s eyeing her prey. No man is exempt. Not even that brother with that platinum band on his left hand. Swaying through the crowded room, she feels a smack on her rear that makes her jelly shake. She turns to eye the culprit who’s expecting a reprimanding but receives a giggle and a smile. Wait! Her jam comes on. She let’s Lil’ Jon instruct her to get low, get low, get low, get low. Suddenly she has an audience. After the song is over, she pulls her jeans up and one of her lustful spectators grabs her and leads her to the bar for a drink.
My girls and I are watching in disgust as this chick commands the room and even gets a drink out of it. The guy is looking at me like “Why should I waste my time talking to you only to get a number, then have to take you out on a date before I can even get a kiss? I’ve already seen the “Thong Girl’s” goods and will bet you a dime to my dollar that I could hit tonight." "Good question," I say.
Ladies, why would a brother want to go the high route for a companion when we have women out here that don’t even respect themselves? When we demand a little respect, we are a stuck-up b#$%!! A few women have taken the respect out of the dating game. I’m not a hater. Do what you must, but not at my expense. In the above scenario there’s one predator and three victims:
Predator – Thong girl. Slithering through the club setting a standard that is going to be hard for the “Real Women” to break.
Victim #1 – The guy that slapped her butt. She’s inadvertently created a monster. Because she didn’t reprimand him for disrespecting her, now he thinks that he can do that to everyone. So when I walk through the crowd and he touches my ample (anti-J-Lo jean) bottom and I knock his ass out, I’m wrong.
Victim#2 – The brotha that escorts her to the bar after her stripper-like impromptu dance. He has booty goggles on, his mind is set on nothing less than getting some. Therefore any self-respecting woman has lost a chance at a dance, a drink or anything else. You might be saying “Why would a self-respecting woman want this brotha?” but you have to understand he’s under the influence of that tiny triangle. He just may be a decent bloke, when he’s sober.
Victim #3- The woman with her self-respect stamped on her head like a “I’m not like her!” sign. Which leaves her with two options, either succumb to the fact that she’ll be dancing with her girls, buying her own drinks or in a fight with a brother who thinks that he can convert her into “thong girl”!
By the actions of a few chicks that don’t present themselves like ladies, the value of a stable relationship has slipped down a few rungs. Now don’t get it twisted! That brotha damn sure ain’t taking “thong girl” home to meet Mama. Let the truth be known, a brotha wants a hoe in the bedroom and a wife in public. So she might get a few house calls after that night but nothing worth any value. She realizes too late that no man wants to walk into a club and everyone knows his woman and her favorite booty-shaking dance. She envisions a picket fence and 2.5 kids as she waits by the phone. Not knowing that all of that flew out the window when she walked into the club with that little triangle on her lower back, for all to see.
So where does this leave us “wifey material” women, you ask? Well, I hate to tell you but we just have to hang in there with our heads held high. Don’t sacrifice your self worth for a few minutes of fame. If you don’t respect yourself then how can you expect someone else to? Tap your friend on her shoulder when she’s had one too many apple martinis and is slipping! We’re in this thing together. Eventually the brothers wake up and separate the hoes from the real women. Once the smoke clears you’ll be standing with your self- respect intact. Ladies, you can get love, romance and respect if you love yourself first.
www.ericanmartin.com
Exciting things are happening at Second Time Media & Communications!
www.2ndtimeonline.net
Picture this: She walks into the club with her low rise J-Lo jeans on (that are not really made for sistah’s with ample bottoms, but that’s another story) with her thong showing. She parades around the room, making even the most respectful gentleman turn his head. She’s eyeing her prey. No man is exempt. Not even that brother with that platinum band on his left hand. Swaying through the crowded room, she feels a smack on her rear that makes her jelly shake. She turns to eye the culprit who’s expecting a reprimanding but receives a giggle and a smile. Wait! Her jam comes on. She let’s Lil’ Jon instruct her to get low, get low, get low, get low. Suddenly she has an audience. After the song is over, she pulls her jeans up and one of her lustful spectators grabs her and leads her to the bar for a drink.
My girls and I are watching in disgust as this chick commands the room and even gets a drink out of it. The guy is looking at me like “Why should I waste my time talking to you only to get a number, then have to take you out on a date before I can even get a kiss? I’ve already seen the “Thong Girl’s” goods and will bet you a dime to my dollar that I could hit tonight." "Good question," I say.
Ladies, why would a brother want to go the high route for a companion when we have women out here that don’t even respect themselves? When we demand a little respect, we are a stuck-up b#$%!! A few women have taken the respect out of the dating game. I’m not a hater. Do what you must, but not at my expense. In the above scenario there’s one predator and three victims:
Predator – Thong girl. Slithering through the club setting a standard that is going to be hard for the “Real Women” to break.
Victim #1 – The guy that slapped her butt. She’s inadvertently created a monster. Because she didn’t reprimand him for disrespecting her, now he thinks that he can do that to everyone. So when I walk through the crowd and he touches my ample (anti-J-Lo jean) bottom and I knock his ass out, I’m wrong.
Victim#2 – The brotha that escorts her to the bar after her stripper-like impromptu dance. He has booty goggles on, his mind is set on nothing less than getting some. Therefore any self-respecting woman has lost a chance at a dance, a drink or anything else. You might be saying “Why would a self-respecting woman want this brotha?” but you have to understand he’s under the influence of that tiny triangle. He just may be a decent bloke, when he’s sober.
Victim #3- The woman with her self-respect stamped on her head like a “I’m not like her!” sign. Which leaves her with two options, either succumb to the fact that she’ll be dancing with her girls, buying her own drinks or in a fight with a brother who thinks that he can convert her into “thong girl”!
By the actions of a few chicks that don’t present themselves like ladies, the value of a stable relationship has slipped down a few rungs. Now don’t get it twisted! That brotha damn sure ain’t taking “thong girl” home to meet Mama. Let the truth be known, a brotha wants a hoe in the bedroom and a wife in public. So she might get a few house calls after that night but nothing worth any value. She realizes too late that no man wants to walk into a club and everyone knows his woman and her favorite booty-shaking dance. She envisions a picket fence and 2.5 kids as she waits by the phone. Not knowing that all of that flew out the window when she walked into the club with that little triangle on her lower back, for all to see.
So where does this leave us “wifey material” women, you ask? Well, I hate to tell you but we just have to hang in there with our heads held high. Don’t sacrifice your self worth for a few minutes of fame. If you don’t respect yourself then how can you expect someone else to? Tap your friend on her shoulder when she’s had one too many apple martinis and is slipping! We’re in this thing together. Eventually the brothers wake up and separate the hoes from the real women. Once the smoke clears you’ll be standing with your self- respect intact. Ladies, you can get love, romance and respect if you love yourself first.
www.ericanmartin.com
Exciting things are happening at Second Time Media & Communications!
www.2ndtimeonline.net
